On Iowa

John Kinsella might be the dumbest fictional character ever. Who in their right mind would confuse Iowa with heaven?

I recently spent 36 hours in small town Iowa. It was supposed to be 48 hours but I thought it best to leave the first chance I had. Now, I'm sure Iowa is a fine state. Wikipedia tells me that it's the Food Capital of the World because of its insanely large agricultural impact. It's also apparently one of the safest states to live in. And we have Iowa to thank for Johnny Carson, Buffalo Bill Cody, Ashton Kutcher, John Wayne and Elijah Wood. So the state definitely has some things to hang its hat on. But it still isn't a place that should be easily confused with heaven.

The Iowa I visited taught me a few things I'd like to pass along. Here's what I learned.

1. The words "pray for me" act as a period, ending any thought. Examples include, "I'm running to the restroom, pray for me" and "I'm going to turn on the coffee machine, pray for me." How would I best use this lovely new punctuation? "I'm in Iowa, pray for me."

2. Neon colored windbreakers are still cool. Especially if you're female, 60 and hanging at the bar on a Sunday night.

3. Skunk odor neutralizes manure odor. Don't ask, just accept that it's true.

4. Pizza is the only food you can eat on a Sunday night. All restaurants are closed, except the six pizza places.

5. Eminem "songs" anger the locals. As do songs about Barack Obama.

6. Happy Hour is from 9am to 11am. Yes, you read that right.

7. There's not much to see in Iowa. You know, unless you think miles and miles of farmland is something worth seeing.

And the last important thing I learned, perhaps the most important of them all is...

8. Iowa makes Missouri look cool. 'Nuff said.

Like I said, I'm sure Iowa is a fine state. I'm sure some people love it. I'm also sure that I am not one of those people. And I'm pretty sure I'm not headed back any time soon.